The Nick Abbot Habit

00:02 This is a global production. Oh, it's a good one for you this week. In these clips, we got a bill for £37 billion. 00:13 A person in Spain had wind. 00:16 And first, a lady was having trouble with her phone. Camden. Hello, Ellie. 00:22 Oh, hi, Nick. Ellie. 00:25 Nick. 00:26 Ellie. 00:27 Sorry, I'm trying to formulate some words that aren't absolutely insulting to everybody. 00:32 I want to make a couple of points at the end. 00:36 If you can hear me out. Well, this is a very, very bad line, Ellie. Hold on, I'll switch up my volume. Yeah, switch up your volume. 00:49 That's actually much worse. Turn your volume down. 00:54 That's better. 00:57 Well, let's go ahead and see how far we get. 00:59 Ellie, have you got a landline by any chance? Have you got a landline? 01:24 I don't think God's going to help me with my mobile. No, I'll call for it. 01:29 Well, it sounds like you're calling us from a deep-sea diving bell. 01:35 When you get to the surface, give us a ring. 01:38 0345 6060 973. Seriously, how long is it going to take mobile phone manufacturers to actually make a blooming mobile phone that you can use as a phone? 01:49 What's taking so long? I don't get it. 01:54 She's back on a better line, says my glamorous assistant. I am stunned that it happened so quickly. Ellie! 02:01 Thank you. There you are. Hello, Nick. 02:03 Yes. 02:04 Hi. I want to make a couple of points. In the Amazon debacle, or in Rishi Sunak having shares in Amazon, I think what might be a good idea is to get... Oh, this is not a better line, is it? 02:19 In fact, I'd say it's a worse line. 02:22 So she was not back on a better line. That was incorrect information. Liar! I'm surrounded by them. 02:29 Anyway, Ellie, best of luck. Tweet it to me. Or use the semaphore signals. 02:36 Get Reckless Eric on the phone and he'll sing that song for us. Semaphore signals. Rock and roll! Anybody remember Reckless Eric? 02:42 Well, you should do. 02:45 Adam says they should rename it the minister... I've read that. 02:49 Search for the holy grail of political decency and moral decorum. There is no political decency. There is no moral decorum. Not anymore. We have been... We've been sullied. 02:59 Ugh. I feel like I need... After 12 years of Tory rule, I need a shower. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. Crosby in Merseyside. Hello, Dan. 03:11 Young Nick, how are you doing? Great, mate. 03:14 Nick, um... We were promised an inquiry in the spring about the PPE scandal and this and that, and it's all been very quiet in that respect. Is it just me, or am I missing something? 03:30 Well, it wouldn't have made any difference one way or the other. If there's an inquiry into PPE, it would have taken £50 million and five months, and the conclusion would be lessons must be learned, and that would be the end of it. 03:43 Nick, do you know what? When I... Back in the day, when I was listening to James O'Brien yourself and you're talking about this kind of stuff, and he was saying it's costing £37 billion for the track and trace and, you know, Dodo Harding. I mean, it's all gone quiet. What does Dodo Harding do now? 04:07 I bet she wakes up laughing. 04:09 She must do. She really must do. She must be... Honestly, when I first heard the figures, Nick, I thought 37 million. I mean, wow, that sounds like a lot of money, 37 million. 37 billion. Billion, yeah. 04:23 And then when you talk about this... 04:26 Nazadeen Zahari Radcliffe, this lady who was released, over a mere 400 million. A million, exactly right. 04:34 Pocket change. The government would find down the back of its sofa, metaphorically speaking. It was nothing at all. It was a political decision to keep her there. 04:43 To use our friend Alexander Boris de Feffel Johnson, that would be chicken feed. 04:49 Chicken feed, exactly. 04:51 You know what? The guy... Yeah, I mean... 04:55 She's released now, thank God, but that's a debt which I understand has crossed different party lines, you know, Tory, Labour, etc. But the thing is, $37 billion, when are we going to get a breakdown at the end of the day? I'd like to see a breakdown if I'm going to pay, you know. 05:14 Exactly. It's a third of the entire budget for the NHS. How is it possible to spend that much money on a phone app that doesn't work? 05:22 Nick, it was useless. I'm talking billions. 05:27 But that's not the end of it. It's not just the phone app. It's absolutely everything else. I'll say it again. The best time in history to take money from the public and give it to the rich has been the pandemic. The only thing that would be better is a war. 05:44 Oh, Nick, do you know what? I couldn't agree with you more. You know, in times of strife, there's massive money to be made. 05:52 Thanks a lot, Dan. 0345 6060 973. Have I taken a break yet? I don't think so. Not to your knowledge? 06:02 No. 06:02 Right. So if I take a break and it's not supposed to be a break, do you take full responsibility? 06:07 Maybe. 06:09 That's a no, isn't it? Yes. 06:12 Yes, it's a no. 0345 6060 973. This is LBC with Nick Abbott. 06:20 Are you trying to be funny? Because I'm all out of laughs. 06:22 This entire country is all out of laughs. 06:26 The Party of Fiscal Prudence update. 06:30 PPE bought for hundreds of thousands of pounds is being auctioned by the Conservative government for a fraction of its cost on an auction site. What? In an attempt to offload billions of items of unwanted PPE, ministers are holding a fire sale of items that they hope will recoup some money for the taxpayer. No, they're not. 06:52 Sorry to be cynical, but they're not remotely interested in recouping some money for the taxpayer. 06:58 Please. 07:00 They are more likely trying to recoup some of the support they'd lose if their cack-handed incompetence would have become widespread knowledge. 07:09 Do you know, it's so bad that it's costing us poor dopes who pay taxes £7 million a month just to store the stuff that they bought from their friends and donors at massive mark-ups that either didn't work or we didn't need or didn't show up. 07:25 Officials insist the auctions are the best alternative to burning unwanted PPE to avoid having to pay storage costs. Those are our options. 07:34 Sell it off at a massive loss, burn it or store it at £7 million a month. 07:42 Great options. 07:45 Total cost to the taxpayer of PPE on sale has been estimated at about £600,000, but it also so far attracted bids of only £2,500. £2,500 for £600,000 worth of stuff that we paid for. But don't worry, because Bodger Johnson is doing his best. This is you doing your best. 08:08 Isn't it, Bodge? 08:09 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 08:11 The National Audit Office found last month that about half the PPE bought in the pandemic had not been used. Half. 14.2 billion items were languishing in storage. I'll do that million and billion thing again because you hear billion and it's just such a big number you don't really know what it is. 08:32 So let's have some perspective, shall we? 08:35 A million seconds is... Now, this is off the top of my head now. 08:41 Oh, I've kind of forgotten. But I think a million seconds is 11 days. 08:49 I'll have to look this up. I think this is more or less right. A million seconds is about 11 days. 08:54 A billion seconds is 31 years. 08:58 That's how much bigger a billion is. 09:03 More or less. Approximately. 09:08 Maths. 09:12 Boring. Yeah. 14.2 billion items. Then we're paying 7 million quid a month just to store them. One in 10 items bought by the government was unsuitable for NHS use. One in 10. 09:24 The government's had to write off 8.7 billion pounds because of falls in the stock's value. They just wrote it off. 09:33 Oh, well. 09:35 Never mind. 09:36 That's £8.7 billion. Not million, £8.7 billion. 09:44 And for more perspective, that is about a fifth of the total that this government will spend on education for those kids who do not go to private school. 09:53 They just threw it away. 09:57 The party of fiscal prudence. 10:01 So, you know, tell me again how they're keen to recoup some money for the taxpayer, like that's even on their horizon of interests. 10:10 But it gets worse, because the excuse that the government is giving for this massive transfer of public money into the pockets of a suspiciously large number of their close personal friends and donors... 10:20 is that it deliberately aired on the side of saving lives by making sure the NHS would not run out of PPE. 10:29 You see, they were just trying to help us. 10:35 Well, listen, stop helping us. We can't afford it. 10:41 Oh, here is the straight dope. A million seconds is 12 days. 10:46 A billion seconds is 31 years. It's not just a little bit more. It's a massive amount more. 10:54 Keep that in mind when they start talking about millions and billions. Because if you're like me, when people start talking numbers, your eyes cloud over and you fall into a stupor. 11:05 East Yorkshire. Hello, Mike. 11:08 Hiya Nick, having a great show tonight. Thanks. Yeah, I've got a Patel bit and a fishy bit. Not that Patel isn't fishy, but which bit would you like first? 11:19 Well, let's get the horror show over first. Let's do the pretty Patel bit first. 11:24 I've decided to become appalled even before I've heard what you're going to say. 11:28 This morning she went to a Ukrainian centre in London. 11:32 Oh, like those poor people haven't suffered enough. 11:36 Well, the people there were stony-faced, I can tell you, but anyway, she was interviewed about the refugee programme, and she didn't answer a single point. It was put to her that she'd boasted that she'd surged the number of British officials abroad to aid with visas. Oh, please. And so she contested the burst bit, never talked about the fact that there are no British people abroad hardly helping. Then she was asked, Ireland and other countries have done a lot better than us. 12:12 Everyone. 12:13 Everyone has done better than us. Everyone, and she immediately diverted that into saying, it's very difficult to set a channel up, it's time-consuming to set up a new route, but didn't answer the original question. And then the questioner said, but it is valid to ask you about comparisons. No, no, no, you must ask about how long it takes to set up a complex route to bring people in. And the whole thing, she never answered a point. She was asked loads of points. Go on. 12:43 And diverted to pick up on an objective in the question. 12:48 Exactly right, yes. It's distraction, distraction, distraction. The problem that the government has about that is that it's their main selling point come the next general election, making sure that as few foreigners as possible... make their way to these shores. That's why they've been discombobulated with even their fans' reaction to the Ukraine refugee crisis. Even the government's fans have sort of opened their arms and said that, you know, these poor people must be given shelter, which surprised the government a very considerable amount indeed, because that was the basis of their appeal. 13:25 Come the next election, we will stop those dinghies coming in. BUZZER And, of course, if they actually fashion something that makes it easy for refugees to come here, regardless of where they actually come from, then that's one of their arrows, which has become bent. Their quiver is, I can't think of what the appropriate analogy is for archers, but, you know, they've bent their quiver. 13:53 Yeah, and if you think back to Syria, we did exactly the same thing. They spent years telling us how we were the biggest supporter of Syrian camps in Lebanon. World leaders. Whilst stopping them coming here. We don't mind paying them. We just don't want them to come here. 14:13 Mike, I'm going to have to leave it there, but thanks for that. 14:16 Whatever they say is the opposite of what they're actually saying, it seems to be. It's like every day is opposite day with the regime. 14:26 Yes, hello. I've been waiting for you. Hello. 14:29 Diane texts, I don't suppose Boris has a magic honesty tree for Fishy Rishi's garden. It would look lovely alongside his magic money tree. 14:37 There is no magic money tree. If you need money. If you don't need the money, then they got no end of it. 14:43 How much would you like? 14:45 Matt emails, I'm a nobody from Bournemouth, says Matt. Just a simple NHS worker. I've just written to HMRC requesting non-DOM status. I'll let you know when I get a reply. 14:59 Matt, I think the reply will be dark boiler suited individuals will burst through your windows spraying machine gun fire. That will be your official response. 15:12 And Jason texts, Steve Allen was saying that you have a nice new Mercedes. Good luck with it, says Jason. 15:19 Well, that would be nice if it were true. 15:22 I've never had a Mercedes in my life. I can only dream of having a luxury car. 15:31 Has Steve Allen taken delivery of his new Bentley, yes? I think so, yeah. What colour is it? I think it's grey. Oh, for crying out loud, his last one was grey. Yeah. It must be exactly the same. It's got specks of white in it or something like that. 15:46 Specks of white? 15:47 Yeah. 15:48 What do you mean? Well, you know, a bit of grey, a bit of white. 15:51 What, like... I was going to say like his hair, but... And then I remembered. 16:01 He is giving you misinformation. Liar! Exactly. I ain't got no new car. 16:07 He's deflecting, is what he's doing. 16:11 He's trying to make you forget about him boasting about his new Bentley at a time when millions of people were plunged into poverty in this country. 16:21 Plus, it's not saving the planet, is it? You don't change your car every six months just because the tyres need blowing up, Steve. 16:30 Brighton. Hello, Ben. 16:32 Oh, hello. Ben. Hello, Nick. Yes, Ben. How are you doing? Good, thanks. 16:36 Yeah, thanks. 16:37 Apologies, I had your own speaker there, mate. No worries. I apologise. You know, I rang the other week, yeah, to explain how much, how long it would take me and my missus to earn the kind of money we're talking about, which I think amounted to 20,000 years. Oh. And obviously, if you're on minimum wage... It would be 69,000 years, which is a lot more. 16:58 Yeah. 16:58 Right. But I rang in response, actually, to that. To earn how much, though? 17:02 To earn how much? What amount are we talking about? To earn a billion. Oh, a billion. Right, right, right. 17:07 So if I'm on 52K a year, me and my wife combined, we're on 52K, yeah. Mm-hmm. 17:12 So it takes roughly 20,000 to earn a billion, yeah? 20,000 years. 17:18 20,000 years, yeah. 17:19 Well, I probably said at the time that you better get on with it then. 17:23 You told me to get my skates on, yeah? Yes. And I did. I did. And it's still going to take me 20,000 years. Is it? I've upped my game, yeah. But it's still going to take me roughly... I think I've managed to knock off about two or three years. Well, there you go. 17:38 There you go. So I'm not doing badly. I'm not doing badly. Anyway, the reason I actually rang, the reason I rang, I'm sorry to repeat, was that there was this fella that texted you earlier on. I think his name was Daryl. 17:53 And there's this weird attitude, which I see a lot in my job, as a doorman, a bouncer, yeah? Right. What I might call aggressive cowardice, yeah? 18:06 So... A fella that texted in... 18:11 He was a bit of a pillock, to be honest. And he seemed to think that everything was OK... And we should just take it on the chin. Suck it up. Suck it up, yeah. And it seems like there's this weird kind of thing where people get really aggressive about... Are you talking about the guy who said it's the... 18:30 I should not speak about fishy... I don't know. I don't keep names in my head. But he's the chap who said that it's the politics of envy, that guy. 18:40 Yes, bingo. Yeah, thank you very much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you, yeah. And look, honestly, look, I really don't, I don't actually envy them. I mean, I really don't. It must be such a weird world to live in that kind of weird place that they inhabit. I don't envy them. 18:57 But I would just like it if I just gave a little bit back, just a tiny bit back. I mean, after all, we're all suffering, yeah? Just a little bit back. 19:03 Well, what you've heard so far, Ben, is bad, but it gets worse. I have detailed files. 19:11 Go on. Well, I'll do it in a minute. 19:16 I'll let you do your bit, unless you've finished already, and then I'll... Well, a tiny little bit to add, which is just the fact that what I really hate about this whole debate... 19:32 is the way that the right will actually suddenly start caring about racism and sexism when they can kind of weaponize it. Exactly. To their effect. And that really annoys me because, you know, like, you know, I'm no saint, but blimey, you know, like these issues are really, really important. So don't minimize them. by pretending that this is actually... 20:02 I can't think of anything worse about going after somebody because of their colour or their sex. That's an awful thing to do. But it's got nothing to do with it. Exactly. It's a total pretense. And it gets... It gets right on my bones, to be honest with you. 20:17 Yeah, me too. And the thing is that the ministers that come out, all those nodding dogs that come out and then repeat the same lines over and over again. While there's a very distasteful tone to these criticisms of Rishi Sunak's wife, and it sounds racist to me, they've all got their marching orders and they go out and they just spout this stuff out. 20:35 Every single one of them saying the same blooming thing. 20:38 And they know, because they're not stupid, it's worse than that. They're actually, I don't know, is it evil a bad word? Yeah, they're definitely not stupid. They're not stupid, it is worse than that. So they know that what they're saying is absolute rubbish, it's total nonsense, and yet they're saying it anyway. 20:55 Well, do you remember that thing, yeah? 20:57 It always used to get on my nerves, yeah? When those right-wing fellas would always say to you that... 21:07 A conservative is just a liberal that's been mugged, yeah? Do you remember that? I don't think I've ever heard that. A conservative is just a liberal that's been mugged, yeah? 21:17 I've never heard that. 21:18 So they would say that, yeah? Right, so when the COVID thing happened, yeah, I suddenly thought to myself, well, blimey, a socialist is just a conservative that's got COVID because suddenly they're chucking about the cash, yeah? 21:34 So I actually started thinking to myself, what they do is they literally, they'll grab a hold of anything and turn it to their own advantage in the most cynical possible ways. 21:43 Yeah, well, I think we're at one there. It is totally cynical and they know that they're being cynical, but they maintain, as far as they can, a straight face while saying it, while insisting that they are actually the victims here. 22:01 Thanks, Ben. Yeah, I've got... If you think it's bad so far, you know, what with the tax avoidance and the green card and the... Are they living here or are they living in India or are they living in America and we don't know where they are, but they appear to be actually running this country along with Bodger. 22:20 Does he actually run the country? Probably not. 22:24 He's just the guy who goes out and goes... 22:27 And people say, oh, he's doing his best. 22:32 God, it's vomitous. 22:35 But I do wish him all the best and, you know, I hope he has a happy life. 22:40 Right, so what are we doing? 22:41 Laura says, to deal with the cost of living crisis, I started eating my bills. It cures my money woes and my diet is now rich in essential inks. 22:52 Well, at least, you know, as long as you're getting your five a day. 22:55 St John's Wood. Hello, Jonty. 22:59 Oh, Jonty. 23:01 Is there anybody out there too late? 23:07 Leslie texts with an update on Steve's new car. It's fountain blue with a cream interior. 23:13 Hmm. 23:14 Well, that actually sounds quite nice. 23:19 Can I have a ride, Steve? No. I'll assume that the answer is no. Thanks a lot, mate. 23:24 It's the bus for me, which is bright red with a sort of orange interior. 23:30 Lovely, no? 23:33 Clive says, seeing as most of the government characters look as though they are straight from the Beano comic, I think you rename Sunak Richie Rishi, another cartoon figure. 23:47 Nicky says, I've been working on the A to Z since January. I've got loads already. What a shambles. Oh, the A to Z. Oh, the thing that I do at Christmas. I was thinking, what, the map? 23:59 Because nobody uses the A to Z of London anymore or the A to Z of anywhere else for that matter. 24:06 Everybody uses their phone. No one can read a map now. I mean, I used to have problems back when we had to. 24:14 But now, forget it. 24:17 Your smartphone is making you stupid. 24:22 Pretty soon we won't have any idea where we are at any time of the day or night without consulting our phone. 24:30 Anyway, Nicky says, I've been working on the A to Z since January. I've got loads already. What a shambles. I've run out of printer paper now. 24:38 That's the A to Z of 2022. 24:42 Hang on there, Nick. Listen. Now, what I'm trying to say to you is this Nick Wright. 24:49 0345 6060 973. Lawrence texts. My brother was looking for Nick Abbott greeting cards today but came up short. Have you ever thought of another business venture, Nick? No, Lawrence. I work nine hours a week. Are you kidding me? I'm busier than Eric Pickles. 25:07 Josie texts. 25:10 I mean, just once in a while, try a salad for crying out loud. Josie texts, chipping is an old word for market. It was a question on University Challenge last week. Is that a fact? 25:22 So that bloke that was from chipping Camden, he had got no idea what he was talking about. 25:29 Embarrassing. 25:31 San Miguel in Alicante in Spain. Jane. The Jane in Spain is mainly in Alicante. 25:39 Oh, hi, Nick. 25:40 Jane. 25:41 Thank you so much for your weekly dose of sanity. Well, I appreciate it. 25:46 Thank you. Thank you for saying thank you. 25:49 Actually, it's been wild here. The weather has been wild. 25:55 Describe wild. 25:56 Wilder than 60-mile-an-hour winds... rain for three weeks, red sand. I mean, we're talking... Yeah. 26:08 And we had the red sand. Yeah, it's all over cars everywhere. Every car is covered in dust. 26:12 Oh, here, it was all over everybody. 26:14 Yeah. 26:15 Anyway... 26:18 If you sit still long enough, you'd get covered in it, yeah. 26:20 You did, yeah. 26:23 What I wanted to say, I listened to all of these different points of view. 26:28 There's an old saying which says, Oh, what a tangled web we weave when we first practice to deceive. 26:37 Right. 26:39 And that's the part that people don't listen to. They practice to deceive. 26:48 So what's the significance of that? 26:51 That's why we're in the mess we're in, because they're all practicing to deceive. 26:56 Right. Rather than... Actually achieving that, yeah. 27:01 Yeah, spinning a web, which, if you watch spiders, they always weave the same web. 27:09 Well, not when I'm around, because I bash them with a rolled-up newspaper, and then they weave no more. 27:19 And please, please, people, do not call this show and say, spiders are people too, you know. 27:25 No, I wouldn't do that, not at all. 27:28 I actually trap them and throw them out the door. I know you do. I tend not to bash them. I trap them in an upturned glass and then chuck them out the door. 27:37 You're a kind soul. 27:40 Well, anyway, my point is that when people practice to deceive, they know exactly what they're doing. It's not like they don't know what they're doing, the government. 27:54 Of course they do. 27:55 you know, the leaders of the world, it's not like they don't know what they're doing, and yet they all go, we don't know what we're doing, we don't know who done it, we don't know. But they're all practicing to deceive the whole time. 28:07 Yeah. 28:09 And no matter what I listen to on whatever level regarding the world, it's those that are practicing to deceive that everybody else suffers for. 28:21 Yeah, you wait till they finish practicing and they get really good at it, then we'll be screwed. 28:29 I'm trying to be... Serious? 28:31 Wrong show, Jane. Oh, optimistic. Right, OK, well, I'll play you some optimistic music. 28:38 There you are. Thanks a lot, Jane. Ian text, I bought some expensive cream this week to get rid of the wrinkles around my eyes. Oh, this sounds like the set-up to a joke. Warning! Warning! Shall I continue? 28:52 All right, then. 28:54 I bought some expensive cream this week to get rid of the wrinkles round my eyes. I thought it would make me look younger. Anyway, some went in my eye and now I can't see. 29:04 Luckily, the radio is non-visual, says Ian. 29:09 He had a little squirt in his eye. 29:12 Foolish person. 29:16 How can that stuff make you, unless they're advertising with us, in which case it really does make you look, you look fantastic. Do you mind if I say that? 29:26 You won't be offended if I say that, will you? Oh, the way you look today, it's an absolute revelation. That cream must, it really does it for you. 29:36 How can a cream make you look younger? That's just silly, isn't it? 29:41 An entire industry worth billions is based on you believing that it isn't. 29:46 Billy emails, Chipping Norton is also where Jeremy Clarkson's Diddly Squat Farm is. Thoroughly recommend a visit if passing through. Billy, I will never pass through Chipping Norton. I don't even know where it is. 30:00 I wouldn't be able to find Chipping Norton with a sat-nav. 30:04 Hello. Number three is trying to connect you. Sorry to keep you waiting. 30:08 Sorry to keep you waiting. Pat in Oxted. 30:12 Oh, hello. 30:13 Pat. 30:14 I've just had a marvellous idea. 30:17 Why don't we scrap technology? 30:19 Yeah. 30:20 Scrap education and let Angela Rayner run the country. 30:25 Angela Rayner. 30:26 Yes. 30:26 Why not? 30:27 I'm for Angela Rayner. No education whatsoever, so we're wasting money on education. We could spend that on something else, couldn't we? Quite. Going on more holidays. 30:37 We don't need no education. We don't need no thought control. 30:41 No, we don't need an education, do we? Angela Raymer can manage it. Gosh, she's going to be the next Prime Minister if we're not careful. Or rather, if we're lucky. 30:52 Well, which is it? 30:54 Yeah, that's the question, isn't it? 30:56 That is the question. 30:58 What's the answer? 31:01 I think somebody's got an answer. I will. I'll throw it out there, Pat. Anybody got an answer? 31:06 It's a no. 31:08 Chris texts, unbelievable. Mrs Sunak is now going to start paying tax. Do you know how much money she has just saved millionaires and billionaires in this country? I thought non-dom status was on the verge of being changed because of her. Oh, well, we can't miss what we were never going to get. 31:26 We can't miss what we were never going to get. 31:29 Yeah. 31:30 What's so good about Jeremy Clarkson's diddly squat farm, by the way? I mean, what's there? 31:35 It's a farm. 31:38 What's so great about it? It's got a shop. 31:41 What does he sell in his shop? 31:44 And is it as expensive as those farm, like pop-up farm shops things? What do they call them? Like farm fairs, where farmers come along and sell their product. 31:59 at, you know, like five times what it would cost in Tesco's. Farmers' markets is the right answer. Yeah, farmers' markets. How come they're so expensive, by the way, farmers' markets? I mean, it is like five times the cost of anything that you find in Tesco's. Why? 32:16 Because they're cutting out the middleman and they're selling it to you straight from the... They've yanked it out the earth and have slapped it on a trestle table. 32:27 Why does it cost so much? 32:29 I mean, it's not better, necessarily, is it? 32:32 I mean, broccoli still tastes like broccoli, don't it? 32:39 That was sort of... I never really understood that. Like meat. Why is meat from a farmer's market so much more than from a supermarket? 32:52 Whereas the farm that's selling you the meat directly is probably also selling the meat to the supermarket, and the supermarket is putting on their... What's the word for it? Not profit, but their margin. 33:06 So you'd think it'd be cheaper, but it's not. It's never cheaper. 33:11 I remember I went to a farmer's, like it was a French farmer's market in Putney when I used to live in Putney. 33:17 And absolutely everything on this trestle table, I could swear that they had actually bought it in Tesco's. It was the mustard with the sort of gingham top and like some cheeses that they'd bought in the Tesco's dairy section, just unwrapped and put on their table and trebled the price. And the bread. 33:41 Now, actual, proper, real French bread might be the best thing that humankind has ever invented. 33:49 And that was not what they were selling. They were selling British supermarket bread and calling it French baguettes. No! 33:57 Wrong! Wasn't! 33:59 I wonder if that's still happening. 34:02 But people are apparently OK at paying double or triple the price that they would in a supermarket for the exact same stuff just because it's being sold to them in the street. 34:16 It's a no from me. And furthermore... No, no, no, no, no. 34:22 Keith tweets with his obvious success in getting roads in Kent ready as lorry parks after Brexit. Chris Grayling should replace Fishy. 34:32 Yeah, how's that whole Brexit thing going, by the way? Dreadful. Yeah, that's what I thought, yeah. 34:37 Never mind. 34:39 It's only happening to us live in person. It's just life, that's all. 34:45 David text, at this point the Conservative Party might as well just change their name to The Sopranos. Absolutely. Yeah, that's right. 34:53 It's not a government, it's a smash-and-grab raid. 34:57 They just charge about, arms flailing, trying to find anything that they haven't sold off yet for a quick profit for a vanishingly few number of people. 35:08 I mean, who profited from the gas sell-off, by the way? 35:13 And why haven't we heard it from Sid lately? 35:17 Did you profit from the gas sell-off? 35:20 Are your shares worth considerably more than you were before? Has it changed your life? 35:24 Because the price of gas has changed your life. 35:28 In France, where they didn't sell off their gas or their electricity, they weren't stupid enough. Even in France, they weren't stupid enough to do that. 35:36 The price rise has been capped at 4%. Four. Not 400. 35:42 Four percent. 35:45 In this country, we sold it all off to private concerns. And what a shocker. They're only interested in making money for themselves. Isn't that surprising? No. Not really. Entirely predictable. 36:00 We're not only stupid enough to have sold off our gas and electricity, we sold off our water. 36:06 Our water. 36:10 For who for? For the benefit of whom? 36:13 Did you make a lot of money out of it? 36:15 I know I didn't. But somebody did. 36:19 We sold our water. And by we, I mean they. 36:25 And now they're going to sell Channel 4. Well, unless I missed a memo, it's not theirs to sell. 36:32 It's ours. 36:37 What is happening in this country? I mean, seriously, I am now mystified. I don't recognize this land anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. Two short years and this bumbling oaf has ruined this country. 36:52 I mean, this entire country is up on bricks and its wheels have been nicked. 36:59 David text at this point the Conservative... I've read that already. I must delete them as I go down, otherwise I make a foolish error. I bet I look like an idiot to you. 37:12 Zoe text. What do you think about Will Smith being banned for the next ten years from the Oscars? 37:18 Well, let me think about that. I don't care about the Oscars. I can't believe anybody does anymore. Nobody goes to the cinema apart from anything else. 37:29 The Oscars. The only reason that that show is not dead in the water is because Will Smith slapped Chris Rock. 37:38 Otherwise there would have been zero interest. None. At all. 37:44 I mean, why is it such a thing? 37:48 I mean, if you think about it, it's the most prestigious award ceremony in the world, and it is millionaires giving each other prizes for pretending to be someone else for money. 38:05 What's that about? 38:08 Nick tweets, I am thinking this fishy leak with his missus may be Cummings. 38:13 Oh, Dominic Cummings. Yeah. You know, you remember Dominic Cummings, aren't you? No! Yeah, that's him. 38:20 Well, you know, the thing about Dominic Cummings is that he may be a despicable person from the top of his beanie hat to the soles of his flip-flops, but if he illuminates misdeeds and criminality, then keep going, mate. 38:39 just as long as we don't have to like you, that's all. 38:43 Lazarus texts, imagine having to pay £30,000 not to be British. It's cheaper to become a British citizen than it is not to want to be one. Does Mrs Sunak know something that we don't? 38:56 Yeah, by paying £30,000 to be non-dom, you could save £30,000 million in tax. 39:05 You know, as long as you exist only as a rainbow for tax reasons. 39:14 John text, you say about tantrums. Many years ago, I thought I would save some money and create my own double glazed front window. 39:21 I had two panes of glass cut to size and some beading for between the two panes. 39:26 I fitted the first pane in and then carefully used panel pins to fit to the beading. 39:32 One final tap and a great big crack across the window. I was so cross I threw the hammer down and it bounced up and broke the other pane. 39:42 Shame you didn't get that on video, John. That would have been amusing. 39:49 You could have earned a fortune on YouTube, YouTube. 39:53 Josh says, at the same time that Fishy's fishy fishwife was dodging millions of pounds in taxes, Fishy himself reduced the energy rebate from a suggested £500 to £200. Yeah, but they're doing their best, say their fans, as they freeze to death and starve to death. 40:13 You've got my vote, Boris. 40:17 I bet they will get in again. They will, they will, they will. 40:21 Because they've already got their attack plan ready. 40:25 Three stages. First, dinghy spotting. People coming over here. 40:32 And then the woke thing. 40:34 You know, the statue police. 40:36 And the pronoun police and all the rest of that. 40:42 So they will save you from woke. This woke nightmare must stop now. 40:48 That kind of thing. And also they will pepper the internet with billions of highly targeted adverts, just like was successfully used to get us out of the European Union. They will squirt billions of adverts all over social media. 41:06 And it will look as though they're from, you know, people that are just like you. 41:11 It will look like a grassroots organisation. 41:16 concerned citizens getting together to express their displeasure or pleasure. 41:24 But it won't be grassroots. It'll be astroturfing, which is when a large organisation, probably funded by a billionaire, and it's usually the same billionaires, same names, keep cropping up all the time. 41:39 And it will purport to be grassroots, but it'll actually be fake. 41:45 That's why they call it astroturfing. 41:48 Not grassroots. 41:50 Plastic grass. Astroturfing. 41:53 Get ready because it's coming to a location near you. It's coming to a computer screen near you soon. 41:59 Wendy emails, who plays golf on their own? Well, I did. Principally because I'm really, really bad at it and I didn't know anybody else who played golf. That was when I was in Leeds, I think. 42:11 I didn't know anybody there who played golf. 42:14 What I fervently wished for was nobody on the golf course saying, oh, come and join us for a four or whatever, or a three or a two. 42:27 Because I didn't want to play next to anybody else because I'm rubbish at golf. 42:33 And, you know, just for... It's supposed to be relaxing. Is it relaxing? No. No, it's not. It's incredibly frustrating. And it wound me up no end. 42:43 And the more wound up you get, the worse you get at it. That's the really annoying thing. 42:49 And you get, because after your fifth ball goes in the river, you start to hit the ball even harder in anger, and it goes even further away from where you intended it to go. 43:03 I hate golf. I'd like to be able to play it well, but I'm not interested in actually learning how to play it. Like the piano. I'd love to be able to play the piano. Wouldn't it be marvellous to be able to walk into a room and sit down at the piano and play? 43:18 That would be great. I'd love to be able to do that, but I'm not remotely interested in learning how to do it. 43:24 Is there a workaround? And on that perfectly reasonable question, that's it. 43:29 If you subscribe to this podcast, the next episode will get squirted up your life on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Tuesdays and Thursdays is also the day that the podcast that I do with Carol McGiffin comes out. Carol McGiffin. 43:43 Talk about kooky. She's nuts. 43:46 It's called What's Your Problem with Nick and Carol? It's a problem-solving podcast. Got a problem? Send it to the following address. NickandCarol at global.com. N-I-C-K-A-N-D-C-A-R-O-L at global.com. And prepare to be totally satisfied. Ask for it by name on the internet near you. What's your problem with Nick and Carol? 44:09 And there is now the whole show plus offering, which is the Friday and Saturday night shows as podcasts advert free, plus an extra show that comes in on Mondays. And that's the one that I wipe up all of the messages that I couldn't get through on the Friday and Saturday night shows, plus all of the news stories that I didn't get around to either. That comes in on Monday as part of Nick Abbott, the whole show plus. Plus, you get a newsletter sent straight to your inbox on Friday that deals with the week's news and launches us into the weekend. 44:44 Nick Abbott, The Whole Show Plus is available on Global Player and the new LBC app, both of which are free from your app store. Ask for Nick Abbott, The Whole Show Plus. 44:56 I think you'll love it. And I'll be back on the radio Friday, Saturday, Sunday night at 10. And until then, I'll be seeing you. Bye-bye. 45:05 This has been a global production.